Everything seems to be going a weird direction. Had a week off last week and I spent it alone, almost like it was a complete waste of my time off. It's nice to take some time to relax from the stress of work, but wish I had something to do that I could proudly look back at.
My biggest problem right now is that I still have not moved on with my life. I got a decent job, a house, transportation, great benefits, but I'll always be missing something. Turning 30 really messed me up. Reminds me that age can come back at you if you don't cherish each moment. Spent so much time trying to prepare myself for a respectable living, that I completely ignored having someone there to share my experiences with. My Mother is 56 and she has been after me to meet some people, she really wants a grandchild badly. I can't blame her though. Although my step-father has one, my ignorant step-sister avoids my mother and step-father like the plague, unless she wants birthday/Christmas money. I hate that crap... Nothing like giving cards with your child's picture in it to your parents for their birthdays or Christmas, and accepting good money even though you never visit or help when needed. I think they would rather take a visit with their grand-daughter over a card at this point... Sigh... I digress...
Have a lot on my mind. Work has been stressful, life is swinging by, and I have nothing worth carrying me on. My motivation is shot, goals seem to fade, etc. although I guess I do have a huge goal, but it don't know how to get there. It's hard to have a family when you are alone, barely have any social skills anymore(due to the quiet atmosphere of the job and living alone), and can't seem to find anyone who wants to be in a serious relationship that want to eventually start a family. I do know someone who wants a family badly, but she would most likely jump ship the moment her ex showed up. I've never seen someone so into a person who treats her like total shit. Uses her for sex, money, and a trophy. She is very intelligent and talented, she deserves so much much more than an asshole-wanna-be artist, don't understand why she is so into that guy! Again...I digress....
Sadly, as I watch my friends' relationships, it almost frightens me to even think about getting into a relationship. My confidence is at an all-time low right now, and I think I may be in some state of depression. Hard to summon the willpower to ask anymore, let alone think a rational thought.
Anyway... Here's to another wonderful year... 2014...