My life is going to utter shit. I hate school, I hate pretty much everything. This society is going to hell and ruined with women dressing like whores and guys only wanting to to fuck women. I get to know the person, their weaknesses, fears, insecurities, desires, goals, and the whole personhood of someone. But even when it reaches that they act as if that side of them should remain deep down and they cant handle the situation or me because it is too intense. It is honestly their fucking loss of a great caring friend. The thing is, sex scares me-Im not a virgin and it is a peculiar situation. I don't view people as people-I view them as energy, beautiful colors and murals of mass crowds. It is beyond auras because it goes deep into the back of the skull and resonating in your soul. I view sex not as two people physically pleasuring each-other, but as two peoples energies dancing with each-other imploding and exploding into each-other with no color and every color at the same time. Ive been desensitized to physical pleasure and stimuli-I feed off the energy. But there is a dark side to me-one I am so scared they might see I wholly focus on the girl. And that is my whole goal of sex, to fill them with my energy, to make them feel safe and secure and loved. But I am so afraid of them seeing a side of me that will utterly terrify them, I dont let them touch me. Honestly I dont like blowjobs, handjobs, or anything else but sex. Even then I am too scared they will see that side I cant even feel comfortable or get hard-so I make the excuse that the night is dedicated to her and I pleasure her physically, mentally, and emotionally. And they feel like they have to give back, but I hate anything but actual sex that I squirm and restrain them. Even when they try, the overwhelming fear prevents any sort of anything.
I have an peculiar ability to in as little as 7 minutes and as long as 2 hours to have people get on such a deep intimate level with me on things they have, and I quote, never told to anyone before or I have only shared this with my closest friends and family within the most minute amount of time of just meeting them. And I ask them, what is it about me, describe the feeling you felt that made you say these things, describe me. The refuse. And I am obsessed over it, how people refuse to describe me, and I can see the anguish in trying to even remotely think about it. And then my mind thinks if it is because they are looking deeper into me and seeing that side-either way I never get an answer, if I do I have to rip teeth out for several days just to get a remote one. No one will put words to any part of our interaction, they wont even put words as to why they cant. It makes me go beyond insane-honestly it makes me feel numb and hollow. If they truly and wholly enjoy our time, yet cringe at putting words to it, is it me and my dark side, or are they realizing all of their mental guards and barriers that would take weeks to overcome was breached in a matter of an hour. At the end of the day I am left empty and alone with no words to me, the time i spend with people, or any remote words to my life.
But I try not to care. Truth is; bar my father and my aunt and pseudo-family I have no true emotion connections to anyone. I feed off energy is a very manipulative way. To them it feels as if they have all emotional scars cleansed and they feel truly cared for-but I just feed off that energy I give in. But it still leaves me empty and hollow, and just grinds in deeper when they cant put words to me.
The saddest part of all of this is the only thing keeping even me remotely stable(a shit job at that) is my medication. There are no words to comfort me, no touch to soothe me-they just outsource me to medication and say maybe someday things will get better. They have no words for me-I dont even have any for myself(to the point I cant even say that and I just stop talking). And this has been going on for my entire life-bipolarity makes me way worse to-boot. And I am very good at communication all of this-people say there is a lot of support out there, but when they cant understand it and just same the same thing-medication and stay hopeful. Something not even human is making me feel good, even that fact gives me no hope for me and humanity. The only time I feel happy isnt even happiness-it is mania. And that is a category all of its own, to the point where I just long to be manic for even a day just to feel something. And it isnt even a feeling, it is just being manic. Im trying not to cut again, but its really hard. I cant go through with suicide which is a big relief, but it doesnt help my situation. I have to blast loud music and scream-cry so my neighbors dont hear. I know they would have no idea what to do if they even heard it.
My dreams are my only sanction-but Ive been having nightmares-I NEVER have nightmares. So now I am even afraid to sleep.
But I guess this is just my life. There is no recovery for this, no cure. I just dont know...I dont think there are words to this...
I have an peculiar ability to in as little as 7 minutes and as long as 2 hours to have people get on such a deep intimate level with me on things they have, and I quote, never told to anyone before or I have only shared this with my closest friends and family within the most minute amount of time of just meeting them. And I ask them, what is it about me, describe the feeling you felt that made you say these things, describe me. The refuse. And I am obsessed over it, how people refuse to describe me, and I can see the anguish in trying to even remotely think about it. And then my mind thinks if it is because they are looking deeper into me and seeing that side-either way I never get an answer, if I do I have to rip teeth out for several days just to get a remote one. No one will put words to any part of our interaction, they wont even put words as to why they cant. It makes me go beyond insane-honestly it makes me feel numb and hollow. If they truly and wholly enjoy our time, yet cringe at putting words to it, is it me and my dark side, or are they realizing all of their mental guards and barriers that would take weeks to overcome was breached in a matter of an hour. At the end of the day I am left empty and alone with no words to me, the time i spend with people, or any remote words to my life.
But I try not to care. Truth is; bar my father and my aunt and pseudo-family I have no true emotion connections to anyone. I feed off energy is a very manipulative way. To them it feels as if they have all emotional scars cleansed and they feel truly cared for-but I just feed off that energy I give in. But it still leaves me empty and hollow, and just grinds in deeper when they cant put words to me.
The saddest part of all of this is the only thing keeping even me remotely stable(a shit job at that) is my medication. There are no words to comfort me, no touch to soothe me-they just outsource me to medication and say maybe someday things will get better. They have no words for me-I dont even have any for myself(to the point I cant even say that and I just stop talking). And this has been going on for my entire life-bipolarity makes me way worse to-boot. And I am very good at communication all of this-people say there is a lot of support out there, but when they cant understand it and just same the same thing-medication and stay hopeful. Something not even human is making me feel good, even that fact gives me no hope for me and humanity. The only time I feel happy isnt even happiness-it is mania. And that is a category all of its own, to the point where I just long to be manic for even a day just to feel something. And it isnt even a feeling, it is just being manic. Im trying not to cut again, but its really hard. I cant go through with suicide which is a big relief, but it doesnt help my situation. I have to blast loud music and scream-cry so my neighbors dont hear. I know they would have no idea what to do if they even heard it.
My dreams are my only sanction-but Ive been having nightmares-I NEVER have nightmares. So now I am even afraid to sleep.
But I guess this is just my life. There is no recovery for this, no cure. I just dont know...I dont think there are words to this...
pick anything https://vimeo.com/joeroganexperience