This is the first time that I am trying journaling, and I'm not quite sure what to write. I have a lot of things on my mind and a lot of things that I know I shouldn't write, but as I have no one to really talk to, I feel I should let my feelings out some where or some way. Where should I begin?
I was listening to a lot of music today and it brought up some memories that I had completely forgotten about, so I think I'll start there....
I was playing some call of duty and decided to play some music on my echo dot and JBL charge speaker. I decided to listen to music that I haven't heard in a very, very long time. I figured I'd listen to some Third Eye Blind. I really loved their first album when it came out and enjoyed their second album too. I stopped listening to them after that.
I'm not going to get into the names of the songs, but as I listened to them, I started remembering what I was feeling and what I was thinking when listening to each individual song all those years ago.
Some of the memories/feelings are good, some sad, and some are downright negative.
One of the first memories was when I was fighting with my so-called "best friends" at the time. I remember that I didn't like the way they were treating me and talking about me behind my back in high school. I remember thinking that I needed to stand up for myself if I was ever going to grow and mature as a person. I needed to rid myself of the negativity even if it meant I would be alone with no one to talk too. It was around this time that I started to hang out with other people who were a bit older, wiser, and nicer. They showed me what true friendship was. I ended up transferring schools mid year so that I could hang out with them a lot more than I already had been. Unfortunately, they graduated that year and fearing solitude once more, I went back to my old school and asked my old friends to forgive me. (even though I still believe I did nothing wrong. )
Another memory that resurfaced was of my first real relationship and my first job out of high school. Again, this involves a mix of emotions and drama, but I think all of it is important. This was around the year 2000-2001. It was a crazy time. I had moved out at the age of 18 and gotten my first apartment, moved in with my girlfriend and good friend, met a ton of new people, got cheated on, and lost more friends. All in all, I think it was a pretty important time period for me to grow and learn.
Would I go through it all again if I had the chance? Honestly, I'm not quite sure. I know the popular thing to say is that I shouldn't regret anything or change anything because it made me who I am today, but what if I don't really like who I am? There are things I like about myself for sure, but I think I would change a lot about myself mentally and physically if I had the will power.
If by some miracle I was given a chance to go back into the past and do it all again or change some things, I would definitely change some things. Again, I know everything in the past made me who I am today, but I do have a lot of regrets. I think that realizing that I have a lot of regrets, and remembering those regrets, can be a powerful tool. What I mean by that is, I can learn from those regrets and avoid re-living past mistakes. I can avoid history repeating itself, and somewhat control my present and future.
This was a fun and therapeutic little experiment for me and I might try it again at some point. I might just have to go dig through some boxes and find my old cd's. I'm interested to see what old and long forgotten memories come out of hiding and slap me right in the feels.