Set number 2 is here and it still feels like a dream. Set number 3 is already shot and it feels like a dream. Set number 4 is planned and coming up (trip to Cali anyone?!) This too feels like a dream. All the love on the sets, the kind comments, the encouraging conversations I have had with so many of you. I have to pinch myself every time I log on. It is rather interesting though how one moment can suck out all of the joy because someone felt the need to post something negative.
I have never really been the biggest fan of the Internet; sure, there were certain things that I enjoyed about it, and still do, but more and more I find myself resenting a large portion of it. With social media being a huge part of things like Suicide Girls and life in general these days, I have often wondered if I am too thin skinned for this. That infuriating feeling you get when you read something nasty that someone took the time to write...like you are burning from the inside out. This is not something I think I could get used to nor do I want to expose myself to and that brings me right back around to my internal question, "Am I too sensitive to put myself out there? "
The first moment I asked myself this question was when I had been tagged in a photo on Instagram and saw one word in the comments that made my blood boil, "gross". If there was anything else negative I didn't see it because I immediately stopped, shut down the app and turned off my phone. How could it be so easy for a complete stranger to get under my skin like that? Going back to me not being a huge fan of the whole Internet thing, I mean I get it, it's a free country and you totally have a right to say whatever you want but that doesn't necessarily always make it right.
The next day I come to the conclusion that I am totally overreacting and need to just take some advice from Elsa and let that shit go. I turn Instagram back on and what do I find but oodles of inappropriate and troubling messages. If I don't answer I am automatically a bitch, a whore, an ugly bitch, so on and so forth. Oh yes please let me answer your crude message that was accompanied by an unsolicited dick picture... oh I forgot how much that shit should turn a woman on...shame on me. (Did you read that dripping with sarcasm? Good.)
It was only 3 days of having an account and I was fucking over it. That was about 5 months ago and I haven't regretted that choice once. I enjoyed the little bit of nice interaction I had with some girls and I liked the idea of promoting myself but not at the expense of my inner peace. So how does one not let that shit get to them? Whatever quality it is I am sure I do not possess it. I know not everything is going to suit me the way it that suits everyone else. I feel like I should say I have never identified as a "model" or someone who should be or wanted to be in front of a camera. Model type people, to me, always seemed like they might have slightly thicker skin because they put themselves out there for the world to see as much as they can. Maybe they have the ability to process all of the negative bullshit on a different level than someone like me. I realize we are all human and we all have feelings but we all process everything in our own way; some are definitely better at it than others. I have always wondered if I did identify as someone who wanted to be in front of the camera as a career, would I feel differently about what complete strangers have said? Not sure if I will ever know the answer to that one. Maybe some lovely ladies who do this as a living could give me a little bit of insight on this.
Fast forward to my second set being released. Day 1 and the love is pouring in which is great and I am totally pumped. Then I happen to scroll down and see a tag that just made my heart sink. This particular tag is something that is a little bit (ok...a lot) more of a sensitive issue for me. I talked to a few close friends and decided I wanted to take that irritated negative energy and turn it into something good. These amazingly supportive friends suggested that I write about it, let it all out, and maybe in the process I could help someone else struggling with something similar. Allow me to give you a little more insight.
In 2009, 2 years after having my precious little girl and finally shedding the 80 pounds I had gained with her (what can I say, I like food and I was eating for 2), I got myself a new pair of boobs. The weight gain, the weight loss with my already flat chest had taken a toll on my shape and my confidence. I wasn't going in there to get something out of this world, just a pair of that would compliment my shape. When the surgery was done and I had healed, I could not believe how much I loved them. They were perfect; soft, supple, teardrop shaped and all of a sudden I actually enjoyed shopping for bras (something that was usually a fucking nightmare and a total mood killer). I loved myself before then, but the new me felt so right. Now, as many of you are aware, with anything foreign entering your body (giggity) there is a chance that the body will reject it or try to protect itself. In my case, my body did the latter and gave me a wicked case of capsular contracture. This is when scar tissue forms around the implant and causes the breast to harden, tighten and become disfigured. There are 4 levels to this; my left is a stage 2 and my right is a stage 4. This has been happening over the last 5 years and while it is not causing me any harm physically, it is uncomfortable at times. It probably causes me more harm mentally and emotionally purely because my once gorgeous ta-tas are changing and not as appealing as they used to be (at least to me). I try to love them as much as I did in previous years, but I am so looking forward to getting them fixed. Turns out that shit is expensive and money doesn't grow on trees, so it is just a waiting game.
While it may be a waiting game to get them redone, why should it be a waiting game to pursue what I have been dreaming about for so long? I will never forget the moment I first saw a Suicide Girl in a tattoo magazine when I was 17. I said to myself, that will be me.....OK, maybe not so much in magazines or maybe not even going pink, but honestly everything after set 1 being accepted has been icing on the cake. So why should I delay a passion because of a discrepancy that really, at the end of the day, is very temporary? Working with my amazing friend/photographer @Roz has been the best for me because she has become incredibly aware of my self-consciousness and has helped me figure out ways to pose where I feel more comfortable, sexy and confident. She is so patient with me and I don't think I can ever thank her enough for it because when I look at the work we have done together thus far, I do feel sexy. I feel pretty and desirable. I feel like me.
The response to my sets, the positive outpouring of love, greatly outweighs the negative. GREATLY! I am aware I have some work to do on the thickness of my skin and not letting strangers words affect me so much; this is difficult to do as a highly sensitive individual. I often wonder how many other girls on here feel the way I do. I can't begin to explain how much I appreciate the outlet that is blogging. To be able to talk about something so personal so openly is a nice, therapeutic exercise and to feel so comfortable putting it out there is priceless. The whole reason I was able to commit to making this thing happen in the first place was because I knew how wonderful of a community Suicide Girls was/is. Perpetuating a positive environment for women to showcase their amazing forms and minds, to connect with so many like-minded people who will lift you up and cheer you on; this place made me feel safe enough to take that leap and I will forever be grateful for that. I have more confidence, I have so many awesome people I consider close friends that I have met on here and when I think about it, all the negative comments in the world couldn't take that away from me. I might cry and hide in a hole with a pint of Ben & Jerry's but I would still have all of my amazing people. :-)
Thank you for reading and joining me on this ride. It has been really nice sharing this and allowing everyone to get to know me a little bit better. I mean, you've seen me completely naked now let's find out what's going on on the inside. :-)