"An assholes guide to English"
It's said that English is a thug of a language, skulking along in dark alleyways and bludgeoning other languages over the head for their words and inflections. This is very true, which is part of why I love this language and have worked hard to become a wordsmith within its delightful confines. An English thesaurus is a weighty tome, full of amazing subtle nuance and it's proper use can close a running mouth and open stubborn ears.
So why are you using it for toilet paper?
Why should your pride in your ignorance of our beloved language allow you to walk out of every room making damn well sure you've marginalized or outright alienated others in the cheapest way possible and most of the time without even knowing it.
This isn't about being PC, this isn't about hiding who you are or walking on eggshells. This is about changing who you are for the better and gaining knowledge while being able to insult people in ways that will make them leave a room thinking they won when in reality they just walked away holding a briefcase full of your shit.
That's right, this is me we're talking about here kids, Uriah Wolf, have we met? I'm fine with anger, I've made a home from its bones and tried to create a writing career from it's bountiful harvest.
Now follow along with me, cut out generalizations. They are useless and accomplish nothing. Blondes aren't stupid, fat people aren't lazy, no one group is all or mostly anything. Stereo types may exist in real life but they are always an exception. So knock it the fuck off. Take the ten seconds of open introductory conversation with a single person and then feel free to be an asshole if that's your bend.
Blondes aren't stupid, "Trisha is deficient in character" or "lacking in the basic motor skills to operate her own lungs."
Fat people aren't lazy, "Tony is a walking type 2 advert who craigslisted a power scooter because walking is hard work" or "I guess some people are genetically predisposed to raising insurance premiums."
See?
Now here's the other part. A few examples of the many words and phrases that need to be retired or put back in their original packaging. Some of you assholes aren't going to like this and frankly, the rest of us who are moving past your bullshit don't care a fig if you're offended while we cut you out of our conversations and then our lives. Enjoy drinking highlife alone on your porch, Clint.
"Gay" unless you're dressed like dapper Dan and talking about having a gay old time out on the town, drop it.
"Throw like a girl" Even if you are the worlds fastest throwing major league pitcher, this shit still makes you sound like a complete moron. Guess what, you aren't in the major leagues and I can fucking guarantee you there are women who throw better than you. Move along.
Those are two of my big fails, and just some of the things I've worked to remove or alter in the hopes of forcing my language to help dictate my becoming a better person. I'm sure anyone reading this has more to add but this isn't a laundry list, it's just as simple as this:
Think before you open your ignorant gob. Read more. Every fucking day, find a word you use constantly and look up another, maybe better way to explain the same thing, just for shits and giggles. Expand that lexicon because guess what "bro-dudes" women love words as much as they love muscle.