So I used to have a livejournal back in senior year of high school and it was the most stereotypical, mundane, school girls journal ever which is why I have been reluctant to post any more online blog-type things but I felt like I really needed to just get some things out of my mind, although I've said these words many times before. Maybe this isn't even the right place for it because its so random but I know that everyone has these problems so fuck it, I'm just going to start posting blogs on here when the mood strikes me and hope that I won't be judged for not being edgy or cool enough, which is what I'm really afraid of when I post these things.
I'm so annoyed with myself and I hate it. I hate that I was doing good and now I'm back at the beginning where I think about it all the time and I wonder and worry why I haven't heard from him and whats wrong with me in the first place. I mean, according to all my friends and others and even myself, I think I'm something thats worth holding onto, especially after 3 years of ups and downs and I was ALWAYS there. I hate it. I don't claim to be the perfect girlfriend, but seriously, I was pretty damn close. I was never controlling and I was fun but I was always the one getting hurt and I went back, time after time, and it disgusts me but yet when I finally ended it once and for all, I got sucked in one last time and now I'm sitting here feeling scorned and uncared for and unloved and basically just shit on. What the hell? I am better off, I know this, its absolute, solid fact. But yet, I'm still sitting here wondering what I did wrong or why I don't mean anything, even though HE should mean nothing because he was a terrible boyfriend and not even a good friend. I could never get a hold of him when I wanted to, ever. He wouldn't call me back for days. And this is after 3 fucking years of dating?! Who am I kidding? I don't know what it is that makes me still want to go back to that relationship, I guess its just how life works because it seems to happen with almost everyone, and how many movies are about that kind of shit? And I hate more than anything that I'm falling in to that stereotype, of the stupid girls who let themselves be treated like crap from their boyfriends. I almost feel like the way he treated me was worse than if he was just straight up mean sometimes, because it was with more indifference and ignorance that he treated me instead of showing that he cared but then getting mean sometimes.
What kills me is how right everything my friends always said was, and the fact that I always knew they were right at the time too, but I just didn't listen. No one in relationships ever really listens to their friends, because they're always gonna do what they want or what they think they can, but it rarely works out. I don't really regret it but at the same time, if I had stopped this stupid bullshit earlier I might be over it by now, and thats what I really want. I just want to get over my first relationship and move on and do something more meaningful with my life than wasting it on someone who hasn't achieved anything and doesn't seem like he ever will. I'm almost embarrassed to say that I dated someone like that because I feel like it reflects so badly on me. I mean, why would I date someone who doesn't have a job, who had to go back to High School for a 5th year to graduate, who never had any plans for further education and who never plans on leaving his hometown, let alone his freakin' mother's house! AND its not even like he was attractive. WHAT the hell is that about? It really just makes me laugh in a way because I'm such the complete opposite of that, and yea, it had its moments where it was fun, and I'm sure I'll always have some kind of love or caring for him, but lets be serious, I want something WAY more than that. Not now, particularly, but at least at some point in my life. I want someone who appreciates everything that I appreciate. Like books, and traveling, and history, and the arts, not just video games, anime, and movies (even though I love those things too).
I guess I just needed to give myself a pep talk and stop being so stupid and weak about it. I am better than that and now I'm going to play Final Fantasy because it makes me feel better! Although I wish I could live that life instead of just pretend by playing on a screen. Le sigh.
p.s.- in better news, I saw Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen today and it was AWESOME. Shia is just too much. I wish there was a shot in hell. ha. AND the preview for Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince was obscenely tempting, I had goose-bumps and cannot wait. I doubt I will be able to contain myself in any way, shape, or form on opening night.
I'm so annoyed with myself and I hate it. I hate that I was doing good and now I'm back at the beginning where I think about it all the time and I wonder and worry why I haven't heard from him and whats wrong with me in the first place. I mean, according to all my friends and others and even myself, I think I'm something thats worth holding onto, especially after 3 years of ups and downs and I was ALWAYS there. I hate it. I don't claim to be the perfect girlfriend, but seriously, I was pretty damn close. I was never controlling and I was fun but I was always the one getting hurt and I went back, time after time, and it disgusts me but yet when I finally ended it once and for all, I got sucked in one last time and now I'm sitting here feeling scorned and uncared for and unloved and basically just shit on. What the hell? I am better off, I know this, its absolute, solid fact. But yet, I'm still sitting here wondering what I did wrong or why I don't mean anything, even though HE should mean nothing because he was a terrible boyfriend and not even a good friend. I could never get a hold of him when I wanted to, ever. He wouldn't call me back for days. And this is after 3 fucking years of dating?! Who am I kidding? I don't know what it is that makes me still want to go back to that relationship, I guess its just how life works because it seems to happen with almost everyone, and how many movies are about that kind of shit? And I hate more than anything that I'm falling in to that stereotype, of the stupid girls who let themselves be treated like crap from their boyfriends. I almost feel like the way he treated me was worse than if he was just straight up mean sometimes, because it was with more indifference and ignorance that he treated me instead of showing that he cared but then getting mean sometimes.
What kills me is how right everything my friends always said was, and the fact that I always knew they were right at the time too, but I just didn't listen. No one in relationships ever really listens to their friends, because they're always gonna do what they want or what they think they can, but it rarely works out. I don't really regret it but at the same time, if I had stopped this stupid bullshit earlier I might be over it by now, and thats what I really want. I just want to get over my first relationship and move on and do something more meaningful with my life than wasting it on someone who hasn't achieved anything and doesn't seem like he ever will. I'm almost embarrassed to say that I dated someone like that because I feel like it reflects so badly on me. I mean, why would I date someone who doesn't have a job, who had to go back to High School for a 5th year to graduate, who never had any plans for further education and who never plans on leaving his hometown, let alone his freakin' mother's house! AND its not even like he was attractive. WHAT the hell is that about? It really just makes me laugh in a way because I'm such the complete opposite of that, and yea, it had its moments where it was fun, and I'm sure I'll always have some kind of love or caring for him, but lets be serious, I want something WAY more than that. Not now, particularly, but at least at some point in my life. I want someone who appreciates everything that I appreciate. Like books, and traveling, and history, and the arts, not just video games, anime, and movies (even though I love those things too).
I guess I just needed to give myself a pep talk and stop being so stupid and weak about it. I am better than that and now I'm going to play Final Fantasy because it makes me feel better! Although I wish I could live that life instead of just pretend by playing on a screen. Le sigh.
p.s.- in better news, I saw Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen today and it was AWESOME. Shia is just too much. I wish there was a shot in hell. ha. AND the preview for Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince was obscenely tempting, I had goose-bumps and cannot wait. I doubt I will be able to contain myself in any way, shape, or form on opening night.
Have a great day!