Who is Jack Schitt? The lineage is finally revealed! Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says: "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the manure magnate, married O. Schitt. They are the owners of Needeep N. Schitt.
Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Taka Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents’ objection, Deap Schitt married T. Storm. The local paper reported the wedding as the Schitt-Storm wedding. Their only child, Eet Schitt (age 19), is currently dating a young man, Fook-Off An-Di, age 20. They have been dating for two years and plan to marry when they both finish college. Eet will hyphenate her last name with his upon marriage.
After being married for 10 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because some of her kids were still living at home at the time of the divorce and subsequent remarriage, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt moved to Ottawa, Canada and married Loda Schitt (nee Crappè). They produced a son of nervous disposition (especially around women), Chick N. Schitt and a daughter, Ima Schitt. Ima is constantly in and out of county jail for public disturbances and being a public nuisance.
Ima has announced her engagement to Beeg Head. After marriage, she will take the name Ima Schitt-Head.
Despite his nervousness, Chick N. Schitt married Fuken Schitt-Fyre, who is the daughter of Hell Fyre and Onn Fyre, the owners of the largest hot pepper operation in the world. I know what you’re thinking; women usually put their maiden names first in a hyphenated name. But Fuken thought Schitt-Fyre sounded better than Fyre-Schitt, so she reversed them.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens Wedding. Fulla Schitt-Happens’ kids are Dawg (M), Byrd (F) and Hoarse (M). Giva Schitt-Happens’ children are Bull (M) and twins Dum (M) and Stoop Ed (M), who both have learning disabilities. Of all the Schitt-Happens children, only Dawg is married. He married Dis Sucs, who changed her name to Dis Schitt-Sucs upon marriage.
Taka Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He lives in Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt (nee Crappa). They have two children thus far: son, Apé and daughter, Bätt. Apé married the famous porn actress, Damm Hott. Their daughter, Ella, plans to follow in her mother’s footsteps as soon as she turns 18, using the stage name, Mia Schitt-Hott. Bätt married Yuso Crazzee. Like most of the women in her family, she also hyphenated her name and is known as Bätt Schitt-Crazzee.
Pisa (Italian) and Loda (French) have a common ancestry, though the common link is generations old.
Holie, the youngest, has not married and is considering becoming a nun.
Despite various rumors, the Schitt family is not related to the Azz families (Azz, Azz-Wholes, Azz-Wipés, Azz-Licks), though they are all very good friends. By the way, the Azz-Wipés are involved in the toilet paper industry, and the Azz-Licks are in the candy business. Their specialty is gourmet chocolates. One of the Azz-Wholes’ is a doctor of proctology.
So now when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them!
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