Disclaimer; this blog will cover some very real topics. I've been debating with myself for days about how to come to terms with my current situation in a way that won't result in a trip to crazy land and I've finally broken down to the realization that this is exactly why I have this account.
I hope that the overall tone of this blog isn't negativity. Though it will drift into dark territory I'm writing this from a positive place filled with hope in its purest form. We are talking about the kind of energy that binds people together in this life and beyond.
The beginning of this story starts sometime last April with my dad feeling sick. We didn't know what was wrong with him at the time but it was enough for him to go get checked out at the hospital. That in and of itself is significant because my father is not someone who just goes to see the doctor over every little thing.
When I lived in a nearby city about twenty minutes from my parents my father and I would go out for lunch once a week to just bullshit over some beers with lunch at B Dubs. I'd met many people in my life at that point who'd lamented over the loss of their parents and regretted taking advantage of their support so I vowed to never do the same. My dad is my best friend in the world and it's not just because he's my father, it's because he's a genuinely good person straight to the core.
After my roommate had all but abandoned me in the apartment we had together in a rather sketchy manner I had to move out due to financial difficulties and my dad was there to help me move, as he has always been, and after an hour or so I was moved out of my apt and back with my parents again. It was at this point that I was glad I had the idea to move some of my belongings out a little at a time during my dad's weekly visits before making a big move towards the end of the month. Even though he hadn't been feeling well lately and I noticed a change in his voice tone one day he was still the same person I'd known all my life. On those trips I gave him all of the light boxes because I knew he would have to take them from the car to the house.
No more than two weeks living back at my parents house my dad comes back from a doctor visit being told he has a rare form of bile duct cancer and that he has three months without treatment or one year with chemotherapy to live.
Of course the news was devastating to me but it should be noted that it came from a hospital that has a less than clear track record. I even have personal experience with this place that makes me question the diagnosis.
At this point I find myself relying more on the spiritual side of existence. Not organized religion because I believe that's semantic bullshit but a scientific belief in the existence of energy shaping the face of reality through organic manner (living creatures) in a way that creates harmony; not just for the sake of the universe but for it's inhabitants. It's hard to explain in a coherent or logical manner but I think many people have stumbled across this force. I even think that most have mistaken this force for God.
Yes these are some intense topics of discussion but it's my fault because I have a tendency to digress; it's just some backstory to provide meaning. I've noticed a change in my dad's behavior recently. He's more reserved, he's eating less, and he just seems less with it sometimes. It bothers me and though I try to ignore it my mother echoes the same concerns.
Today, however, my dad was himself. He was not only reactive but he was engaging. We had a good back and forth just before I left for work and it carried me through the day. I honestly didn't want to go to work but I was fortunate enough to spend time with him after I was off.
I fully believe that with my help my dad will recover and live well past the year he's been given. This is just another story we will have to tell each other years from now over beers.
And thank you to whoever reads this blog. I haven't told anyone in my real life about this struggle and it feels very good to get it off my chest.
More than anything I know with every fiber of my being that everything will turn out as it should, as it was always meant to be.