A Friday in the recent past I took my van out to Hillsboro to work on a computer network. After arriving in Hillsboro and unloading out of my van I left the lift down and side door open. This is just a lazy habit I have developed so I dont have to sit in the elements and wait as the lift on my van folded its self back up. On this day I left the van open for about 3 hours while I worked on the network. After loading back into the van I drove out to Willsonvile where I picked up some computer supplies and ate dinner. This time the door on my van was open for about 2 hours.
The van sat in the parking lot at my apartment for a week before I had a need to use it again. It was Friday again and my friend Tonys birthday. We had plans to go to breakfast at J&M, a favorite spot. When we got into the van we were overwhelmed by an odor that could best be described as cat shit sitting in a warm van for a week. We found the offending pile of crap and relocated it in a more social acceptable place, then proceed to use the best carpet cleaning products we could find at Safeway. We then left the van open for a couple hours to aerate. Three days later I went back out to my van only to find yet another partly crusty pile in the van. This time the smell had grown to include the unmistakable stench of cat piss mixed with the chemical floral smell of anti-pet Carpet Fresh. My only conclusion at this point was that every stray cat within north Portland had found my van and vacated in it. The smell was so bad that when the doors on the van were open and you came within 20 feet it could knock you back a couple paces. Once again we cleaned the van out to the best of our abilities considering we are just mere mortals. Deciding this time that it would be better if we did not leave the van open, and subject to more offences. The decision was made to close the van and let the odors stew, hoping they would dissipate. Two more days passed and it was Wednesday (for those of you who are keeping score it has now been three days shy of two weeks, we have found 2 piles of shit and only God and my van knows how many times it has been pissed on and in) Tony and I were once again going out for some food. When we opened the van there was a steaming pile of shit strategically located right were I park my chair. The kill zone around the van had increased to about 30 feet and had completely over powered all cleaning products we have used. Frustration was beginning to set in. How were cats getting into the van? At one point I thought I must have gotten someone literally pissed off at me and they were putting incontinent cats in my van.
That night (Wednesday) I was laying in bed when I began to think about that movie Phenomenon and the part of the movie were John Travolta is frustrated about how rabbits are getting into his garden, even though he keeps building his fence higher and better. He finally comes to the conclusion that the rabbit is stuck inside the garden and cant get out because of the fence.
Could it really be possible that there was a cat trapped in my van for 2 weeks? There was definitely more than one cats worth of excrement in my van over the time period. Where would this animal be getting food and water to re-arm its self. After all there are only so many dead French fries that could have fallen between the seats and there was no source of water. Further why would the cat stay in the van when it had so many opportunities to escape? I put the idea out of my mind and fell asleep.
The next day I was having a dinner party. My sister (Shellie) was the first to arrive and we began to discus my van problems (now commonly referred to as the cat box) and I told her about my thought that there could be a slim chance there was actually a cat stuck in the van. After a laugh we decided that regardless of how remote the possibility we should search the van. If there was a cat there it couldnt survive much longer. The idea of a decaying cat in my van would be worse than the smell it had already produced. Nearly 8:00 PM we grabbed a flashlight and went out to the van. Shellie opened the back door of the van pulled out some trash lifted the cover of the rear seat directed the flashlight under it.
In a flash of movement and complete confusion Shellie throw the flashlight into the air, screamed, stumbled backwards over herself landing on her ass, and began to chant loudly and quickly CAT!CAT!CAT!CAT!CAT! I was dumbstruck and sat slack-jawed watching as Shelly fell onto her back. After regaining our composure we concluded that the cat was indeed alive and was probably starving. This was about the time the flashlight returned to earth. It was clear we had 2 choices; 1. we could try to catch the cat or 2. just chase it out of the van.
Even though this animal had turned the van into a porta-potty we decided that we owed it to the cat to feed it and find its owners. The problem was we had no idea where we picked up the cat. Letting it go in north Portland may not be the nicest thing to do to a cat from the suburbs.
Feeding and watering it seemed to be the next step. It may sound like we were rearming the cat to do more damage but the van was already fowled and we thought it might be easier if not safer to catch the cat if we feed it. At very least it would make us feel better. We placed food and water inside the door and closed it up again.
A couple hours had passed Tony arrived and we had developed a pretty good plan to catch the cat. About 10:00 PM Shellie Tony and I went back to the van armed with a large box. The plan was to put a box inside the van at the base of the seat. Tony would hold the box, Shellie would open the back door and coral the cat into the box. Im sure you have guessed all did not go as planned. The cat managed to worm its way between the seat and the box and land on the back seat which we had reclined out flat so it resembled a bed. The cat found itself trapped between Tony inside the van and Shelly and I outside. All I can say is cripe. I have never laughed so hard.
Those of you who know Tony and how animated he can be will completely understand the rest of the story. The rest of you who dont know Tony, I will try to embellish as much as I can, but it just wont be the same.
The cat spun around saw Tony, spun around saw us, spun around, tried to exit the window with a thud and then repeated the process about 20 more times all in about 2 seconds. Shellie and watched as Tony and the cat FREAKED OUT. Tony was hunched down hovering over the seat because he is too tall to stand upright. His arms outstretched like Jesus at the last supper. Each time the cat would make a rotation on the seat Tonys face and gestures would echo the cats confused run for freedom, Tonys face changing from shock to fear to empathy his arms spreading wide with shock, then gripping his chest with fear and finally reaching out to help the cat. I cant be sure but at one point I think Tonys arm actually separated itself from his body as the emotions and gestures flew past and restarted with each of the cats rotations on the seat. Finally the cat jumped between Shellie and myself and made a brake for freedom. Before Shellie or I could turn to see were the cat had gone it had traveled out of site. Tony could see the cats exit from his perch in the van. As Tony tells it the cat veered toward my building then turned abruptly after finding that it could go no further then headed toward Williams (the main drag in front of my apartment) and was heading north at the speed of light. Tony said it actually passed a car. Every time Tony tells the story of this cat moving out I begin to laugh so had I start to cry.
As for the cat, I think it was black and white but Im not really sure. The last time we saw the cat, it was heading north. If it maintained its speed and course it probably set a new record for circumnavigating the globe. What about the van? It still stinks. So far we have tried sprayed on chemicals, powered chemicals, vacuuming, washing and every conceivable air freshener. My other sister Amy says it has the distinctive smell of a vanilla cat piss cookie.
The van sat in the parking lot at my apartment for a week before I had a need to use it again. It was Friday again and my friend Tonys birthday. We had plans to go to breakfast at J&M, a favorite spot. When we got into the van we were overwhelmed by an odor that could best be described as cat shit sitting in a warm van for a week. We found the offending pile of crap and relocated it in a more social acceptable place, then proceed to use the best carpet cleaning products we could find at Safeway. We then left the van open for a couple hours to aerate. Three days later I went back out to my van only to find yet another partly crusty pile in the van. This time the smell had grown to include the unmistakable stench of cat piss mixed with the chemical floral smell of anti-pet Carpet Fresh. My only conclusion at this point was that every stray cat within north Portland had found my van and vacated in it. The smell was so bad that when the doors on the van were open and you came within 20 feet it could knock you back a couple paces. Once again we cleaned the van out to the best of our abilities considering we are just mere mortals. Deciding this time that it would be better if we did not leave the van open, and subject to more offences. The decision was made to close the van and let the odors stew, hoping they would dissipate. Two more days passed and it was Wednesday (for those of you who are keeping score it has now been three days shy of two weeks, we have found 2 piles of shit and only God and my van knows how many times it has been pissed on and in) Tony and I were once again going out for some food. When we opened the van there was a steaming pile of shit strategically located right were I park my chair. The kill zone around the van had increased to about 30 feet and had completely over powered all cleaning products we have used. Frustration was beginning to set in. How were cats getting into the van? At one point I thought I must have gotten someone literally pissed off at me and they were putting incontinent cats in my van.
That night (Wednesday) I was laying in bed when I began to think about that movie Phenomenon and the part of the movie were John Travolta is frustrated about how rabbits are getting into his garden, even though he keeps building his fence higher and better. He finally comes to the conclusion that the rabbit is stuck inside the garden and cant get out because of the fence.
Could it really be possible that there was a cat trapped in my van for 2 weeks? There was definitely more than one cats worth of excrement in my van over the time period. Where would this animal be getting food and water to re-arm its self. After all there are only so many dead French fries that could have fallen between the seats and there was no source of water. Further why would the cat stay in the van when it had so many opportunities to escape? I put the idea out of my mind and fell asleep.
The next day I was having a dinner party. My sister (Shellie) was the first to arrive and we began to discus my van problems (now commonly referred to as the cat box) and I told her about my thought that there could be a slim chance there was actually a cat stuck in the van. After a laugh we decided that regardless of how remote the possibility we should search the van. If there was a cat there it couldnt survive much longer. The idea of a decaying cat in my van would be worse than the smell it had already produced. Nearly 8:00 PM we grabbed a flashlight and went out to the van. Shellie opened the back door of the van pulled out some trash lifted the cover of the rear seat directed the flashlight under it.
In a flash of movement and complete confusion Shellie throw the flashlight into the air, screamed, stumbled backwards over herself landing on her ass, and began to chant loudly and quickly CAT!CAT!CAT!CAT!CAT! I was dumbstruck and sat slack-jawed watching as Shelly fell onto her back. After regaining our composure we concluded that the cat was indeed alive and was probably starving. This was about the time the flashlight returned to earth. It was clear we had 2 choices; 1. we could try to catch the cat or 2. just chase it out of the van.
Even though this animal had turned the van into a porta-potty we decided that we owed it to the cat to feed it and find its owners. The problem was we had no idea where we picked up the cat. Letting it go in north Portland may not be the nicest thing to do to a cat from the suburbs.
Feeding and watering it seemed to be the next step. It may sound like we were rearming the cat to do more damage but the van was already fowled and we thought it might be easier if not safer to catch the cat if we feed it. At very least it would make us feel better. We placed food and water inside the door and closed it up again.
A couple hours had passed Tony arrived and we had developed a pretty good plan to catch the cat. About 10:00 PM Shellie Tony and I went back to the van armed with a large box. The plan was to put a box inside the van at the base of the seat. Tony would hold the box, Shellie would open the back door and coral the cat into the box. Im sure you have guessed all did not go as planned. The cat managed to worm its way between the seat and the box and land on the back seat which we had reclined out flat so it resembled a bed. The cat found itself trapped between Tony inside the van and Shelly and I outside. All I can say is cripe. I have never laughed so hard.
Those of you who know Tony and how animated he can be will completely understand the rest of the story. The rest of you who dont know Tony, I will try to embellish as much as I can, but it just wont be the same.
The cat spun around saw Tony, spun around saw us, spun around, tried to exit the window with a thud and then repeated the process about 20 more times all in about 2 seconds. Shellie and watched as Tony and the cat FREAKED OUT. Tony was hunched down hovering over the seat because he is too tall to stand upright. His arms outstretched like Jesus at the last supper. Each time the cat would make a rotation on the seat Tonys face and gestures would echo the cats confused run for freedom, Tonys face changing from shock to fear to empathy his arms spreading wide with shock, then gripping his chest with fear and finally reaching out to help the cat. I cant be sure but at one point I think Tonys arm actually separated itself from his body as the emotions and gestures flew past and restarted with each of the cats rotations on the seat. Finally the cat jumped between Shellie and myself and made a brake for freedom. Before Shellie or I could turn to see were the cat had gone it had traveled out of site. Tony could see the cats exit from his perch in the van. As Tony tells it the cat veered toward my building then turned abruptly after finding that it could go no further then headed toward Williams (the main drag in front of my apartment) and was heading north at the speed of light. Tony said it actually passed a car. Every time Tony tells the story of this cat moving out I begin to laugh so had I start to cry.
As for the cat, I think it was black and white but Im not really sure. The last time we saw the cat, it was heading north. If it maintained its speed and course it probably set a new record for circumnavigating the globe. What about the van? It still stinks. So far we have tried sprayed on chemicals, powered chemicals, vacuuming, washing and every conceivable air freshener. My other sister Amy says it has the distinctive smell of a vanilla cat piss cookie.
VIEW 8 of 8 COMMENTS
jones:
awesomely funny story!!!
paolodesade:
Dude, that was some funny shit.