Short Update.
1. Reading the end of the graphic novel "Dance till Tomorrow" reminds me yet again that the best books and stories often do not have a happy ending. Life does not have happy endings. And the sooner people figure that out and become honest about it, the sooner I think I'll be able to tolerate this hell called life. I don't like thinking that my life is going to be one big dissapointment but I don't want to think life is going to be placid and peaceful either. All I want is a normal life. As normal as it can be.
2. By April 1st I will be out of Chattanooga and sitting on another shoreline. I've procrastinated the first two days of the great exodus cause I just can't deal with the idea that yet again I've gone nomadic. I'm tired of going nomadic. I want to live again. To set down roots. I'm tired of walking where the tides of life take me without any chance to grow. If only life were not so difficult to deal with without putting up roots. Day by day, all I can deal with is the idea that I'm still moving. I can't just stop. But this much self pity is bullshit and unproductive. Thankfully, I have the ATL crew (and HyperMediocrity in particular) to thank in pointing me in the right direction as to finding housing and employment and all that shit. Actually, I really just need to learn how to drive for if I can do that, I can get a place to live and a job rather easily. Waffle House will transfer me and rents are relatively cheap. I just have to decide whether or not I'm going to get back into a roommate situation or be on my own. The next few days will tell.
3. Work is beating me senseless. I worked 16 hours straight Monday into Tuesday and by the end of it I was dead. Like, seriously fucking tired. I'm tired a lot more nowadays. And a lot more bitter. Even more then I was before this, if one can believe it. Before it was just mere petty issues like girls and not getting out enough. But now I'm at a point where I just have to be on all the time at work and it's stressing. The weight isn't being pulled evenly and the bitches I work with just don't care. Even the first and second shift folk are noticing that I'm improving shift by shift but the shifts themselves are declining in quality of work. The fact that we've stayed this together is because I'm busting my ass night after night to make it happen. The money is reasonably good but I want more. Mabye, if for nothing else, this is why I'm moving now. I need to leave this Waffle House before it kills me dead. Or at least have a car so I can leave when I want to.
4. The loneliness has picked up again. Flatmates are preparing to leave, the house is cold and I'm feeling oh so alone. Trite I know but a lot of times the things I feel ARE trite. I just wish things were done better between my flatmates and I. I consider them all friends but I'm just not sure how they think about me anymore, or even IF they think about me more then to just bitch. I don't like feeling like I've been a burden to anyone. It's why if I do live on my own in Atlanta, I'll be the only faggot to deal with and honestly, I think I need it to be that way for a while. I need to be like a pot plant; left in darkness a lot and given controlled amounts of sunlight. Or at least more sunlight then I'm getting now. Who knows? Mabye a move back to first or second shift is in order.
5. Now, even with all this, a part of me is eager to move. If I go to Atlanta, I have the ATL crew and a surprisingly deep people set to deal with. If I drive, it's even deeper and life is now a possibility. Baltimore is also a possibility, though I think I'm a little too far away right now from that being a reality. Still. Maryland would be awesome cause Skittles is there and also my family lives in North Baltimore. A good strong dedicated infastructure right there. That is, if you subtract my cocaine addicted father but we already have. So, decisions have I to make. I think Atlanta will be the place I go for no other reason then people want me to be there. People actually might care. They just might. I like that.
6. The last few days have been a downloading bonanza for me personally. Now to just get a decent burner so I can burn all this stuff off for the lean months and I'm set. Would be nice.
7. Skittles...thank you. No matter what. Thank you. I like that my heart sparkles and my eyes burn and my throat tightens a little when I talk to you. I miss that feeling. I miss that feeling so much. Thank you.
And on that note, yeah. I'm out for now. Hopefully with good news. Driving test, finally - hopefully, today. Later all.
1. Reading the end of the graphic novel "Dance till Tomorrow" reminds me yet again that the best books and stories often do not have a happy ending. Life does not have happy endings. And the sooner people figure that out and become honest about it, the sooner I think I'll be able to tolerate this hell called life. I don't like thinking that my life is going to be one big dissapointment but I don't want to think life is going to be placid and peaceful either. All I want is a normal life. As normal as it can be.
2. By April 1st I will be out of Chattanooga and sitting on another shoreline. I've procrastinated the first two days of the great exodus cause I just can't deal with the idea that yet again I've gone nomadic. I'm tired of going nomadic. I want to live again. To set down roots. I'm tired of walking where the tides of life take me without any chance to grow. If only life were not so difficult to deal with without putting up roots. Day by day, all I can deal with is the idea that I'm still moving. I can't just stop. But this much self pity is bullshit and unproductive. Thankfully, I have the ATL crew (and HyperMediocrity in particular) to thank in pointing me in the right direction as to finding housing and employment and all that shit. Actually, I really just need to learn how to drive for if I can do that, I can get a place to live and a job rather easily. Waffle House will transfer me and rents are relatively cheap. I just have to decide whether or not I'm going to get back into a roommate situation or be on my own. The next few days will tell.
3. Work is beating me senseless. I worked 16 hours straight Monday into Tuesday and by the end of it I was dead. Like, seriously fucking tired. I'm tired a lot more nowadays. And a lot more bitter. Even more then I was before this, if one can believe it. Before it was just mere petty issues like girls and not getting out enough. But now I'm at a point where I just have to be on all the time at work and it's stressing. The weight isn't being pulled evenly and the bitches I work with just don't care. Even the first and second shift folk are noticing that I'm improving shift by shift but the shifts themselves are declining in quality of work. The fact that we've stayed this together is because I'm busting my ass night after night to make it happen. The money is reasonably good but I want more. Mabye, if for nothing else, this is why I'm moving now. I need to leave this Waffle House before it kills me dead. Or at least have a car so I can leave when I want to.
4. The loneliness has picked up again. Flatmates are preparing to leave, the house is cold and I'm feeling oh so alone. Trite I know but a lot of times the things I feel ARE trite. I just wish things were done better between my flatmates and I. I consider them all friends but I'm just not sure how they think about me anymore, or even IF they think about me more then to just bitch. I don't like feeling like I've been a burden to anyone. It's why if I do live on my own in Atlanta, I'll be the only faggot to deal with and honestly, I think I need it to be that way for a while. I need to be like a pot plant; left in darkness a lot and given controlled amounts of sunlight. Or at least more sunlight then I'm getting now. Who knows? Mabye a move back to first or second shift is in order.
5. Now, even with all this, a part of me is eager to move. If I go to Atlanta, I have the ATL crew and a surprisingly deep people set to deal with. If I drive, it's even deeper and life is now a possibility. Baltimore is also a possibility, though I think I'm a little too far away right now from that being a reality. Still. Maryland would be awesome cause Skittles is there and also my family lives in North Baltimore. A good strong dedicated infastructure right there. That is, if you subtract my cocaine addicted father but we already have. So, decisions have I to make. I think Atlanta will be the place I go for no other reason then people want me to be there. People actually might care. They just might. I like that.
6. The last few days have been a downloading bonanza for me personally. Now to just get a decent burner so I can burn all this stuff off for the lean months and I'm set. Would be nice.
7. Skittles...thank you. No matter what. Thank you. I like that my heart sparkles and my eyes burn and my throat tightens a little when I talk to you. I miss that feeling. I miss that feeling so much. Thank you.
And on that note, yeah. I'm out for now. Hopefully with good news. Driving test, finally - hopefully, today. Later all.
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
I remember that from a really good movie about a unicorn.
I've never been to Atlanta, but even if I had, I'd still go with Baltimore. Because that is the best city! I visit there every summer to hang with 20,000 anime-obsessed dorks. It's the most wonderful time of the year.
and look! a fellow bombay and mishima fan! i just finished rereading the sea of fertility... i went in order this time. the temple of dawn is so sensual.