Happiness....what is that..I really want to know cause I just don't seem to be able to find it.
it seems every time things start seeming to turn around for me that or that I find someone..it all just falls apart around me its like I'm not supposed to be happy that all I'm supposed to do is make other people happy and do everything I can in my power to help them and make them happy..In the end all it ever means is I end up alone...
.....And I'm tired of being alone one of my friends told me this not to long ago its my personality that I have to try to make things better I have to make myself the only sacrifice to spare them pain and sadness all while adding to my own. That some how in my mind I think I'm the hero who has to save and help everyone even those just outside my reach
Not to long ago I meet a very beautiful girl She lives not to far away from me and as cheezy as it sounds we met online..we went out a few times we would talk for hours on the phone and online and...for a while..I felt happy I felt alive like i was waking up into a dream. But ...I guess dreams are just that dreams and they go away as soon as you wake up. Not to long after we started going out she fell for someone else and I didnt realize it till the other day when I was asked to help her get to visit some friends of hers and go to a concert I agreed because I wanted to see her see her smile..And i saw it the second she hugged that other guy she wanted to see... but apparently he just wants to be her friend and now I don't know what I'm supposed to do ...the "hero" wants to be there for her and make her pain go away...but now...the darkness in me is growing and its wanting me to watch her be in pain and be sad...AND I FUCKING HATE MYSELF FOR THINKING LIKE THAT!
I'm just so tired...tired of it all I'm clinging to the edge with all I have to keep from falling into the abyss...but I'm slipping
I just don't know what to do anymore...
in regards to your blog, I'm sorry that you have been struggling...maybe you need to try something different, to produce different results?
I know it's hard to break away from always wanting to help others and be the "hero"... I have the same tendencies...but you have to take care of yourself first. Find something, besides another person, that makes you truly happy, focus on yourself for awhile.
Don't let people walk on you! You deserve so much better...
I know it's easier said than done though.
I just hope you can find your happiness, because I think you've earned it. <3