Summer is over already! Missouri is already cold enough to see your own breath. Even though Im heading back home to Korea, I still am not able to escape to a warmer place, but oh well at least I have the heated floors of my apartment.
I've spent the last 3 months here in Army chemical school and I already feel moved in. I've collected so much junk just from staying in one place for awhile. I miss the freedom I had when I was younger, being able to up and move because I didn't have any real personal property aside from some pictures and a few mix tapes. True freedom is when you can up and leave without any strings attached and the future is all what you expect it to be. What happened in my life that made me take such a drastic change? A decision that I live with that might be for the better, but I will never know.
The early summer of 1998, I just finished a 6 week tour of the states with cause. I took it for granted and came back with a careless attitude. When you are young you seem to think that all good things that happen to you will continue to happen. I was wrong. Getting to know someone that you are constantly around, you become so comfortable that you will disrespect that person without even realizing that you are doing it. At least that's what happened to me. My best friends, bandmates, the guys I grew up with, I didnt respect them like I should. I didn't think that I could lose anything with them. I felt unstoppable. Toward the end of the tour I became overly sensitive and at the same time I didnt respect my friends, I ended up flaking out on some shows. I just walked home. I didnt answer my phone, I just hid out and thought that they would be there for me after my moodiness went away. It didnt work out that way, the next few shows it was always another band member not showing up to the show, so we would end up not playing.
That summer I had nothing anymore. I would spend hours alone feeling sorry for myself. I would make myself worry, thinking about my future. I felt that everyone else grew up and I was still a child at 23 years old. I couldnt keep a job, a relationship, or manage to attain any goals without giving up. I needed an education, that was the only way I could survive. Being an anarchist, smashing the state or whatever I thought I was doing was getting me nowhere. I couldnt change a thing and all it was doing was making me struggle to practice what I preach. I never wanted to be a hypocrite. Hardcore is about living and doing, the revolution of every day life. I thought about the slogans I would make a mockery of, liberation of desire, mutual aid, and voluntary cooperation. What I desired was security. I wanted know that I would always have a home, that everything I cared about would be permanent. Education has a price and at the time I didnt think that I could get it for free. I decided that putting my politics on hold and enlisting in the National guard for one weekend a month would help me get the money for school that I needed.
From the beginning to the present, it has been biting tongues and struggle. Being myself in the military has been a movement against the grain and I wont regret my decision to be here. Raising my right hand with fingers extended and joined instead of a fist. "So help me god". Saluting the flag. Standing at attention. Yelling the word "kill". Being laughed at, being judged. It's all a compromise for security. I am disciplined, physically and mentally tough. Trained and proficient in my warrior tasks and drills. And for what? A constitution that is ignored and a nation of citizens who have been ignored. Number one hated country. This we'll defend?
It hasn't been all that bad. I have learned to really open my mind and accept a number of ideas and people that I would never know. I have learned respect, responsibility, and how to take care of myself and the ones I care about. It has given me the chance to see another country and way of life. It has changed me for the better.
So when asked why I joined the Army, I did it for the security of those I love. Not everything in life is going to be permanent. But when you have what you want, respect it while it's there, because if you keep your head up the good things always come back.
Now its time to face the cold winter and get ready for another year of change and monotony. Everyday will be my education and everyday will be my revolution of everyday life.
I've spent the last 3 months here in Army chemical school and I already feel moved in. I've collected so much junk just from staying in one place for awhile. I miss the freedom I had when I was younger, being able to up and move because I didn't have any real personal property aside from some pictures and a few mix tapes. True freedom is when you can up and leave without any strings attached and the future is all what you expect it to be. What happened in my life that made me take such a drastic change? A decision that I live with that might be for the better, but I will never know.
The early summer of 1998, I just finished a 6 week tour of the states with cause. I took it for granted and came back with a careless attitude. When you are young you seem to think that all good things that happen to you will continue to happen. I was wrong. Getting to know someone that you are constantly around, you become so comfortable that you will disrespect that person without even realizing that you are doing it. At least that's what happened to me. My best friends, bandmates, the guys I grew up with, I didnt respect them like I should. I didn't think that I could lose anything with them. I felt unstoppable. Toward the end of the tour I became overly sensitive and at the same time I didnt respect my friends, I ended up flaking out on some shows. I just walked home. I didnt answer my phone, I just hid out and thought that they would be there for me after my moodiness went away. It didnt work out that way, the next few shows it was always another band member not showing up to the show, so we would end up not playing.
That summer I had nothing anymore. I would spend hours alone feeling sorry for myself. I would make myself worry, thinking about my future. I felt that everyone else grew up and I was still a child at 23 years old. I couldnt keep a job, a relationship, or manage to attain any goals without giving up. I needed an education, that was the only way I could survive. Being an anarchist, smashing the state or whatever I thought I was doing was getting me nowhere. I couldnt change a thing and all it was doing was making me struggle to practice what I preach. I never wanted to be a hypocrite. Hardcore is about living and doing, the revolution of every day life. I thought about the slogans I would make a mockery of, liberation of desire, mutual aid, and voluntary cooperation. What I desired was security. I wanted know that I would always have a home, that everything I cared about would be permanent. Education has a price and at the time I didnt think that I could get it for free. I decided that putting my politics on hold and enlisting in the National guard for one weekend a month would help me get the money for school that I needed.
From the beginning to the present, it has been biting tongues and struggle. Being myself in the military has been a movement against the grain and I wont regret my decision to be here. Raising my right hand with fingers extended and joined instead of a fist. "So help me god". Saluting the flag. Standing at attention. Yelling the word "kill". Being laughed at, being judged. It's all a compromise for security. I am disciplined, physically and mentally tough. Trained and proficient in my warrior tasks and drills. And for what? A constitution that is ignored and a nation of citizens who have been ignored. Number one hated country. This we'll defend?
It hasn't been all that bad. I have learned to really open my mind and accept a number of ideas and people that I would never know. I have learned respect, responsibility, and how to take care of myself and the ones I care about. It has given me the chance to see another country and way of life. It has changed me for the better.
So when asked why I joined the Army, I did it for the security of those I love. Not everything in life is going to be permanent. But when you have what you want, respect it while it's there, because if you keep your head up the good things always come back.
Now its time to face the cold winter and get ready for another year of change and monotony. Everyday will be my education and everyday will be my revolution of everyday life.
xtine:
I added you!