The topic of today stemmed from an after-dinner conversation about helping out others.
This isn’t the first time I’ve discussed this topic of ‘fixing someone’s life’, but I realised my perspective on this has evolved significantly over the past 24 months.
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ‘HELPING’ AND ‘FIXING’
One of the biggest reason that shaped my current view was my last failed relationship. (Let’s put a bookmark on this and talk about my long list of starbucks lovers later on)
He told me that I needed to stop trying to ‘fix’ things and let him take care of me i.e. take the lead. WRONG. Firstly, while I eventually came to agree with him about the ‘not fixing’ part, I wasn’t convinced that I should stop entirely in trying to help others.
So what’s the main difference in helping someone and trying to fix things up for them?
There are times where you will meet people in your life, some of them perhaps better at their cores than the rest of us, but stuck in a rut or in genuine circumstances where they are not able to reach the best of their potential. You see that and because now your paths have crossed, you feel a moral obligation to give them some guidance or nudge them towards better things.
That’s helping someone. And that’s a good thing. We all ought to try and give a little bit more of ourselves to the betterment of others, regardless of personal gain or recognition. This inevitably and eventually will make the world around us i.e. the people surrounding you a nicer one. Agreed?
Now, the thin grey line then lies in the question - “when is helping too much?” When do we cross that line from helping to interfering on the pretext of ‘fixing’? Keeping in mind that we are referring to ‘fixing’ a person - not a problem or a thing - but an actual, living person, shaped by his or her time on this planet.
The line, in my opinion, is crossed when you think that you can change something that you believe is better for that individual. You may be right on most occasions, for example, helping someone kick a bad habit, guiding them towards a better education, etc. However, this just sets the wheels in motion for a false sense of security.
IT ALWAYS TAKES TWO HANDS TO CLAP
If the person in question does not recognise or agree that he or she wants to make a change, because fundamentally that is a trait, a circumstance or a belief they want to improve upon, then the whole idea of ‘fixing someone’ is simply pushing your own beliefs onto another individual. (#ferventsupporters)
When you try to ‘fix something’, it becomes a conscious decision to not accept what is. This doesn’t help the person in question at all. I can say that because I’ve been both ‘fixer’ and ‘fixee’ on too many occasions.
You will never find the real motivation to change, unless you actively want it and truly believe in that change will bring about betterment of yourself. And that is something that no one else can do for you. This goes to the ‘fixer’ as well - no matter how good your intentions nor how pure your motives, you are still trying to change someone without their conscious choice of wanting that change.
Think about it.