I will start by saying that I am the most negative person I know. Not only is the glass half empty, but it's a dirty glass in a shitty bar, filled with a watery shitty beer that I can't pay for and I'm in the company of complete morons. I snap at everything. I am unable to relax on my own. I can't stop and tell myself to shut my mouth and calm the fuck down. There could be one piece of trash on the floor and I will SCREAM. One thing goes wrong and I can't take it. I try to see it as 'fiery' but it's getting out of control. I'm an anxious, stressed out, worried, haggard little thing. Sometimes it can make me interesting, and even funny! But I think I'm starting to hurt those around me and it needs to stop. Now.
Last night I started to realize that I am a lucky person. I don't have anything going for me, my body is the most awkward thing, and I have no means to take care of myself. But god damnit I'm a lucky little cunt. And here's why.
The one point of this blog was to just put down in words how I'm feeling, and to remind myself that in people alone I have much to be thankful for. Much to live for, to work for, to want. I want to love my life, and god damnit I will. I don't care how much heartache it takes at first, how much therapy, or pills. I could care less, I'm going to make it happen. I'm going to move to Alaska again, even if it kills me. I WILL have the SG title in the next year, no matter what it costs me. [Note: I do need to get the money to waste on a plane ticket to see a decent fucking photographer] I will graduate from college, with atleast a BA and do SOMETHING with my life that will allow me to live comfortably in a decent home with a decent vehicle. I will love myself, my friends, my family. I will learn, somehow, someway, to accept all that I cannot change and to change what I can. God damnit, I'm going to have an amazing, interesting life worth talking about it. Worth living. My life as it is at the moment is only worth living due to the people in it. I will go places, I will see things, I will have stories to tell. I will have a great body, I will party hard and often, I will give and take kisses, I will climb a mountain, I will swim in all bodies of water, I will camp in remote places and watch the sky tell a story of the world turning without me, I will experiment, I will love, I will open up, I will stop caring about tattoos that I might dislike in the future, I will lose all regrets and love each day. GOD DAMNIT I WILL MAKE IT HAPPEN. I will motivate myself to be a happy, beautiful, interesting girl. I don't feel as though I am right now, and I miss feeling that way. People will love me, will want me, and will be thankful that I'm their friend. It will all be so full circle. I will have interesting hairstyles, a lip piercing [even if it's only for a few months] I will dress how ever the fuck I want, even if my chubby tummy is showing! I am a sexy person, and I am human, normal, and a classic-shaped piece of amazingness. I am worth so much, and deserve so much.
I have been thorugh so much negative, I have gone through alot of pain. Not as much as others, but enough to know. It won't happen overnight, it won't happen in a week, and I will still cry, get mad, snap, yell, and have mood swings like woah. But god damnit my life will be amazing, and I want everyone to be a part of it!
I don't have much to give my friends right now. I can't offer any money to help, or many words of advice, but I make good company. I will do my best to be the best person I can be. And I will show my friend that deep down, my intentions are as golden as the pretty leafs outside. EVERYTHING WILL BE AMAZING WITH A LITTLE HARD WORK!
Wooooo. I rambled a bit, and was redundant. Oh well. For being on my period, in pain, and mad at Reekie earlier, I'm feeling amazing. I cannot wait to do a new set, to get my hair cut [aka have the money] to dye my hair all cute and shit, and to have the fucking ability to really work out. Things are really looking up, even if I can't have sex right now, have some hard things to go through, and alot of bullshit to do for school, my house, and my trip. I hope everyone else can see that things are worth so much. I sound so cheery, and I know how it feels to read a cheery blog when you're down. I love you, who ever you are, and if you're reading this and feeling down......let's talk! I want to talk to everyone!
A big, belated shoutout to Amarillo HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY YOU SEXY PIECE OF AWESOME WOMAN! I'm so glad to have you in my life, even when we have our downs. You're a great woman, and I hope you have an amazing day today! I hope the spa is treating you well, and I'm sorry I can't afford to join you at PF Changs and I'm too young to go dancing. But oh well, doesn't mean I'm not wishing you a happy fucking day. You're going to have fun, and this is your day! Even if it's not actually your bday today, it's your party day!
Wahya has a new set in MR coming up, and I can't wait! She's one of the most gorgeous women on this site. I really hope it does well! She is just an amazing looking woman, and an Alaskan to boot.
Everoyne should go and check out Nijichan's newest set Dirty Work. Vote for it! It's the best she's done yet!
Clio has a new set out in MR now! She's got the best boobies on the site! Go see!
AmieLust has a set in MR as well, and holy shit it's so amazing! Please go see these lovely ladies!
It's time for me to go peepee, have a smoke, start more laundry, and color another coloring page. I love everyone's comments on my blog, and I promise to start replying! I'll be on this site quite a bit today. Hope everyone has a great friday, and a great AND SAFE halloween!
XOXO
Bukowskii
[p.s. I might be changing my name to Alyeska....your thoughts?]
I'm pretty fucking sure that's me and Brian Posehn!!!! Met him in Anchorage.
See? Lots to be thankful for!
I know I'm one of the akward men on here, but I don't think my messages to you have been too akward or gushy.
As for the name change,....as they say "a rose, by any other name, would still be just as sweet".