Wowie it's been a while huh? I apologize for that.
So I'm sitting here in Sgt's new apartment, in Killeen. Fun, right? No. He's at work all day till 3:30 and I have a shitton of online homework to do. Saving Medical Term 1 for last, because it's the easiest and the most fun.
Life has been a bit off lately. Stress has gone from extreme, to none, and back to extreme.
The other night my dad was very very drunk. My dad's an alcoholic who usually goes to bed once he hits the 'angry drunk' stage. Thanks to rum. Well that night he got past angry, went into silly and flew past it onto the Lovey Drunk stage. He sat down and talked to me about my stress as if he understood it. I felt relieved that my father finally saw how I'm doing and that I truly am in a world of hurt. I kept trying to get out of the convo because I hate sappy shit, and I wanted to call Sgt. Finally I was able to step away and grab a smoke out of my purse but before I could step outside he stand up and walks towards me, arms streatched out and says "Hug." So I hug him. I didn't even get a hug from him before I moved to Alaska without a return date. So we hugged and he says he loves me. For the moment I treasured it and cried outside when I was smoking. I don't like him seeing me cry because usually he yells at me for it. So I was all sorts of happy and sappy and relieved and comforted. The next morning I wake up and realize, IT IS SO FUCKED UP THAT MY FATHER HAS TO BE HAMMERED OUT OF HIS MIND TO HUG ME AND SAY HE LOVES ME. I always stuck up for my dad, he's the parent who DIDN'T leave me. But you know what? Not leaving, and putting a roof over my head does not a good parent make. I never got hair cuts, or clothes, or shoes, or toys. I played with my brother's toys. I never got to play sports, I watched my brother's hockey games. I wasn't given good habits like brushing my teeth. And just recently I've realized that my dad is a harden shell of a man who refuses to have emotions, who drowns himself in rum each night, who will never be proud or pleased with me, and will never truly love me like a father should. I now know where I get my issues with anger, and my inability to be understanding or sympathetic. I cannot live with my dad, ever. I cannot ever love him the way a daughter should. And as much as I love him for making so that I might atleast live, I have no respect for him and I fear him and for him. It's a relationship I need out of, just like it was for a while with my mother. It's really hard to accept that neither of your parents truly want you in their life, and it's harder to know that I won't have the love of a real parent. I'm glad I see it now, and that I can get over it. It's made me more skeptical, and more afraid, and probably made my heart even colder. But that's life. I'm not happy about it, but I'm glad I know the inner truth of the entire situation and I will rise above it, as soon as I'm done mourning the loss of the love I thought I had.
ANYWAYS.
So Tuesday night Reekie and I stayed with RavenDream before my flight. I was hoping to see some people, not to mention to shattered attempts to see lowercasedanny earlier that day and the night before, but I didn't like the house till 6:30 or so. By the time we arrived at RD's it was a bit late, so he was the world's biggest sweetheart and got Reekie and I some BDUBS! The quickest way to a girl's heart is as simple as hot wings. [Don't men wish all girls were as simple as me?] And we WERE going to watch Romance and Cigarettes, the indie comedy kinda-musical film directed by John Turturro, but Netflix was a being a cunt. So we watched the Prestige. Not a bad movie, until you've seen it 7 times. Then it's just long. By the time the movie was over, I was almost dead, and still had to straighten my hair. John Lennon hung out with us for a while. Won't say more. Finally got to go to bed after RD passed out, and Reekie and I had a nice, long, deep convo about how she feels about current situations. It was really comforting to share a moment like that before I left.
Got up the next morning to straighten my hair again, say bye to RD and John Lennon before they went to work, and pack everything up. Got to the airport, hung out with Reekie for a while, and finally got my shit checked in. Fuck the airlines and their stupid checked baggage fees. They went from $15 to $20. That meant no starbucks for Bukowskii in DFW. Fuck. Atleast my flight was delayed. Instead of a 11-1245 flight, it was 12-145. My next flight boarded at 330, so that was nice. Less time in Dallas with no coffee. I love flying to Killeen and all, but you will sit next to 4 different people on those flights; Military, Elderly, Gangsta Rappers, or Military wives/girlfriends. Fuck me running. Atleast I had plenty of time to change into the sexy little button up that Sgt bought me, and do all my makeup. I WAS going to do it in Killeen but I knew he'd find a way to get there as soon as I walked off the damn plane, so I'm glad I changed when I did.
Weather in Texas isn't as bad as I thought it'd be. I can breathe when I go outside. I realized today that Sgt has the same laptop as the ex from alaska who I would dearly love to castrate. Not like any girls would be missing out. I've also realized alot of similiarities, and it gives me the heebie jeebies. It has upset me to great lengths this whole morning. And its making my stomach upset from excess coffee, and I'm already low on smokes just from going outside to think about it. I hate going on trips without cigarette money. ='[ But yeah, Bukowskii has alot to think about right now. I'm about to make the same mistake I made in Alaska. It really hurts to know that I took everything this far already. Reekie and I are just going to run away to Alaska, and live in the wilderness with our igloo mansion, and big courtyard with exotic popsicle gardens, and solemn statues of greek gods made from snow and ice. No one else around us, nothing but art and cold winds, and beauty. No people around to ever hurt us again. No on to lie to us.
Also, I'm very upset about rosieBlue's new situation with her work. ='[ It pissed me off so much just to read what happened, and I'm too....something to write how I feel about it. I feel so bad for her. I was really hoping for a new set from her.
Also, alot of people around me are getting H1N1 and that scares me because I have like NO immune system and VERY poor health. Chance I may even give it to Sgt if I already have it, which I doubt. Still very upset that I'm doing an ultrasound for fobroids that I probably don't have. I don't what they are, what they'll do to me, or what it means if I have them. I don't want to know. I hate ultrasounds. I will REFUSE a transvaginal ultrasound. Btw, I didn't mention it yet, but I rescheduled it till after my trip. Mommy will be mad!
I miss Reekie. And I need to do my homework. Hope all is well. Meeting with some Dre guy that Sgt knows about tattoos, so who knows wtf is going to happen.
XOXOXOXO
Bukowskii
So I'm sitting here in Sgt's new apartment, in Killeen. Fun, right? No. He's at work all day till 3:30 and I have a shitton of online homework to do. Saving Medical Term 1 for last, because it's the easiest and the most fun.
Life has been a bit off lately. Stress has gone from extreme, to none, and back to extreme.
The other night my dad was very very drunk. My dad's an alcoholic who usually goes to bed once he hits the 'angry drunk' stage. Thanks to rum. Well that night he got past angry, went into silly and flew past it onto the Lovey Drunk stage. He sat down and talked to me about my stress as if he understood it. I felt relieved that my father finally saw how I'm doing and that I truly am in a world of hurt. I kept trying to get out of the convo because I hate sappy shit, and I wanted to call Sgt. Finally I was able to step away and grab a smoke out of my purse but before I could step outside he stand up and walks towards me, arms streatched out and says "Hug." So I hug him. I didn't even get a hug from him before I moved to Alaska without a return date. So we hugged and he says he loves me. For the moment I treasured it and cried outside when I was smoking. I don't like him seeing me cry because usually he yells at me for it. So I was all sorts of happy and sappy and relieved and comforted. The next morning I wake up and realize, IT IS SO FUCKED UP THAT MY FATHER HAS TO BE HAMMERED OUT OF HIS MIND TO HUG ME AND SAY HE LOVES ME. I always stuck up for my dad, he's the parent who DIDN'T leave me. But you know what? Not leaving, and putting a roof over my head does not a good parent make. I never got hair cuts, or clothes, or shoes, or toys. I played with my brother's toys. I never got to play sports, I watched my brother's hockey games. I wasn't given good habits like brushing my teeth. And just recently I've realized that my dad is a harden shell of a man who refuses to have emotions, who drowns himself in rum each night, who will never be proud or pleased with me, and will never truly love me like a father should. I now know where I get my issues with anger, and my inability to be understanding or sympathetic. I cannot live with my dad, ever. I cannot ever love him the way a daughter should. And as much as I love him for making so that I might atleast live, I have no respect for him and I fear him and for him. It's a relationship I need out of, just like it was for a while with my mother. It's really hard to accept that neither of your parents truly want you in their life, and it's harder to know that I won't have the love of a real parent. I'm glad I see it now, and that I can get over it. It's made me more skeptical, and more afraid, and probably made my heart even colder. But that's life. I'm not happy about it, but I'm glad I know the inner truth of the entire situation and I will rise above it, as soon as I'm done mourning the loss of the love I thought I had.
ANYWAYS.
So Tuesday night Reekie and I stayed with RavenDream before my flight. I was hoping to see some people, not to mention to shattered attempts to see lowercasedanny earlier that day and the night before, but I didn't like the house till 6:30 or so. By the time we arrived at RD's it was a bit late, so he was the world's biggest sweetheart and got Reekie and I some BDUBS! The quickest way to a girl's heart is as simple as hot wings. [Don't men wish all girls were as simple as me?] And we WERE going to watch Romance and Cigarettes, the indie comedy kinda-musical film directed by John Turturro, but Netflix was a being a cunt. So we watched the Prestige. Not a bad movie, until you've seen it 7 times. Then it's just long. By the time the movie was over, I was almost dead, and still had to straighten my hair. John Lennon hung out with us for a while. Won't say more. Finally got to go to bed after RD passed out, and Reekie and I had a nice, long, deep convo about how she feels about current situations. It was really comforting to share a moment like that before I left.
Got up the next morning to straighten my hair again, say bye to RD and John Lennon before they went to work, and pack everything up. Got to the airport, hung out with Reekie for a while, and finally got my shit checked in. Fuck the airlines and their stupid checked baggage fees. They went from $15 to $20. That meant no starbucks for Bukowskii in DFW. Fuck. Atleast my flight was delayed. Instead of a 11-1245 flight, it was 12-145. My next flight boarded at 330, so that was nice. Less time in Dallas with no coffee. I love flying to Killeen and all, but you will sit next to 4 different people on those flights; Military, Elderly, Gangsta Rappers, or Military wives/girlfriends. Fuck me running. Atleast I had plenty of time to change into the sexy little button up that Sgt bought me, and do all my makeup. I WAS going to do it in Killeen but I knew he'd find a way to get there as soon as I walked off the damn plane, so I'm glad I changed when I did.
Weather in Texas isn't as bad as I thought it'd be. I can breathe when I go outside. I realized today that Sgt has the same laptop as the ex from alaska who I would dearly love to castrate. Not like any girls would be missing out. I've also realized alot of similiarities, and it gives me the heebie jeebies. It has upset me to great lengths this whole morning. And its making my stomach upset from excess coffee, and I'm already low on smokes just from going outside to think about it. I hate going on trips without cigarette money. ='[ But yeah, Bukowskii has alot to think about right now. I'm about to make the same mistake I made in Alaska. It really hurts to know that I took everything this far already. Reekie and I are just going to run away to Alaska, and live in the wilderness with our igloo mansion, and big courtyard with exotic popsicle gardens, and solemn statues of greek gods made from snow and ice. No one else around us, nothing but art and cold winds, and beauty. No people around to ever hurt us again. No on to lie to us.
Also, I'm very upset about rosieBlue's new situation with her work. ='[ It pissed me off so much just to read what happened, and I'm too....something to write how I feel about it. I feel so bad for her. I was really hoping for a new set from her.
Also, alot of people around me are getting H1N1 and that scares me because I have like NO immune system and VERY poor health. Chance I may even give it to Sgt if I already have it, which I doubt. Still very upset that I'm doing an ultrasound for fobroids that I probably don't have. I don't what they are, what they'll do to me, or what it means if I have them. I don't want to know. I hate ultrasounds. I will REFUSE a transvaginal ultrasound. Btw, I didn't mention it yet, but I rescheduled it till after my trip. Mommy will be mad!
I miss Reekie. And I need to do my homework. Hope all is well. Meeting with some Dre guy that Sgt knows about tattoos, so who knows wtf is going to happen.
XOXOXOXO
Bukowskii
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Have fun in Texas.