This movie struck a debate that I feel is a really hard one to defend (on either side).
No movie spoilers here other then this movie sums up (to me) Hollywood's version of "relationships".
Meaning, it was done with drama that bends the truth a little. No surprise, right? But it doesn't keep you from thinking it couldn't happen in real life.
It was filmed very well from casting too storyline. It strikes everyone with emotion because it's a truth a lot of people try to avoid.
Failure in "love".
So from a cast of votes, people think of cheating as an instant deal breaker. It's simple reasoning on the surface. It's cruel, scandalous, people fear it, people cringe at the thought and it's written on the 10 Commandments as a sin (for you god fearing folks).
Now, I feel torn with this only cause, I've been cheated. As I'm sure in some ways a lot of people have been cheated as well. It's a painful thing to deal with. Heartbreak is some pain, let me tell ya! You don't want it.
At first, reaction to any kind of pain is to fight it or get away from it.
Most the time it's too overwhelming. Normally I'd act with anger and hate.
Discussed that someone you thought loved you, could actually do such a thing to you.
Well, I don't like enemies. I don't like hating people or drama. And I don't like worrying about why everything failed. I'd fight until I was too tired, then I'd start running. But after a while you'll start to slow down and it'll hit you hard. Self pity, what if, what did I do to make this happen or "it's all my fault" comes to mind. You'll have no answers for your pain. Believe me, you don't ask the question right then and there you won't get them till after you pulled yourself through the mud.
I'll tell you in complete honesty. When I was younger, I never had the chance to look at my life from a different view. Very narrow minded thinking and stubbornness. Well, a lot of mistakes, pain and sadness later. I learned to jump on a table or two to look at things from different views.
With doing that, I learned forgiveness. I always have forgiveness for someone. No matter how pathetic or cruel they were to me. I learned that hating and worry were just too much of my body to handle.
Plus! Forgiving is just a great thing. There's nothing wrong with it. But everyone's so quick to cast them away. You want them to suffer the way they made you suffer. They made the mistake, and they should burn for it, right?. Eh honestly, that's a harsh punishment. Yes, the person betrayed you. But also you're not in the state of mind to think all the things through reasonably.
I'm probably playing with fire by writing about this, just by my views on it.
If they really "loved" you, it'll show. They'll be torturing themselves more than you could.
To have hope that someone you love being truly sorry for the pain they caused you - It's a thought that's always behind the anger in your mind. Get over the anger, feeling sorry for yourself and talk about it. You'll find that maybe you weren't meant for one another. Maybe you lacked in ways. Maybe they lacked in ways. Either way, things will always fail if there's no commutation. If you hold back you lose. If they hold back, they lose someone important to them...you! This is speaking in defense of a weak minded fool.
When I make a mistake that was my fault, I don't go blaming others. Normally we beat up ourselves. Right? The person that blames you for there discretions shouldn't get a second glance from you. Don't be foolish! If there's something not right, get out of there!
But if the person who was weak at heart and mind ever fell?? AND within that mistake they realized what they risked, should have a chance to at least speak and be heard. If they're crawling on the floor crying about how they were a fool and told you the truth. (Given you know the truth and need tons of reassurance. Why not listen? Doesn't mean you should just kiss and make up and go get married. That's just kind of stupid. You have to work at having trust. Make sure you really want things to work right first.)
"People who cheat, will do it again" - - says the bitter girl who never asked her boyfriend what he wanted out of the relationship. It should be obvious to those who are willing to look. If you're blindsided by a man you ran off with his secretary, you weren't paying attention. This doesn't just come out of nowhere. If you sense doubt, ask. If you tell him how you're feeling, he'll listen. I'm no expert by far. But I know people don't like feeling trapped. Or in pain.
This is where my debate fell. I believe people have weakness. I believe a lot of people don't know how to react in certain situations. It's not that I don't trust them as a person; it's that I don't trust their insecurity. There are many reasons (unfortunately) why people cheat on someone. But why do people do it? It's been an on going question for lifetimes. Here's a good (long) explanation for the psychology.
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SPOILERS! (Click to view)
People usually cheat because there is a conflict between their physical and emotional desires," said an article I read on the Internet, and it went on to talk about the sex drive (which comes from the reptilian brain) and the "emotional monogamous" need, which have only been around for a few thousand years.
The reptilian brain has been around for millions of years, the limbic brain less than that, and the neocortex, still less than that. Those are our three brains, in evolutionary succession. The drives and instincts from the reptilian brain are very strong because they're related to survival - reproduction being one of them.
But the sex drive isn't the only instinct coming from the reptilian brain, and monogamy not the only societal restraint put on these drives, and when we fail to mitigate some of these instincts, to think them through before acting upon them, we always end up "cheating" - ourselves, others, and the best deal in the situation.
Emotional intelligence is all about knowing and using all of our brains and their capacities. We will always be assaulted, so to speak, by feelings we can't, or shouldn't act upon. And "shouldn't" isn't always a bad word.
"Should " you kill someone because they anger you? Of course not. What stops you from doing it? The thousands of years of evolutionary brain development, the constraints of the civilized society in which you live, and your ability to use your limbic and neocortex brains.
It is a rare parent, for instance, who will do willful damage to their own child, no matter what damage they inflict. This is because the limbic brain controls the emotions of social bonding and parenting, and then we also have the neocortex which allows us to think. The catch is, we have to STOP and THINK.
We "understand" when our toddler slams us across the nose with a brick all the things that we understand, while we're seeing stars before out eyes, and our parental instinct is stronger than our desire to lash back, even when in pain.
Emotions predate thinking, and are stronger. They're our guides and keep us safe and alive. But they aren't always appropriate to living in this century. We can no longer "eat what annoys us." When we get strong emotions, we can be "hijacked," because they're designed to shut down thinking. If, back when these instincts developed, we stopped to think, we would be dead.
Consider, for instance, if a wooly mammoth were headed your way. The brain pumps out chemicals saying "fight or flight," because it doesn't want us to take the time to think. This triggers "automatic" responses - we turn and run, or turn to fight, with all systems on full alert.
You know this feeling if you've avoided a car accident by very fast and automatic actions. Being a cerebral type, the thought even flashed through my mind the other day as I slammed on the brakes to avoid being blind-sided by a driver who must've been drunk or stoned, "that cake on the back seat is going to be all over this car." But slam the brakes and steer for dear-life I did. Without thinking.
One strong emotion that "hijacks" us is anger. Say you're at work, tired and pressured to begin with, and maybe it's too hot inside with no air circulation, and maybe the colleague you have to team with on a project isn't your favorite to begin with. If he says to you something that is, or is perceived to be, an insult, you can get "hijacked" and cheat yourself, the other, and the goals of the project.
You stop thinking and start yelling back, or walk out, and the project is left far behind in the dust.
Must you react to this strong emotion of anger? Sometimes a man will say he couldn't help hitting his wife "because she made me so angry." The counter to that is -- think about it -- if Mike Tyson made you that angry could you "help" hitting him. I think you will agree with the statement that even the strongest emotions can be controlled in your self-interest, and stopping to think makes it clearer what your self-interest (and the general good) is.
Another strong emotion like this is fear. If you become intimidated by someone, that is to say scared, you will also get flooded with emotion and not think clearly. You'll "cheat" again - yourself, the others, and the goals. If you shout order and insults at your child to "make" him do something, you're cheating your child of the chance to do what you want, because he can't even think, and also cheating yourself of your child's love and respect.
You know this feeling if you've ever received terrible news. I sat with someone as their doctor told her she had cancer and it was terminal, and the person did not absorb what was being said. Two weeks later she asked me why something was not being done, and I had to tell her the news the doctor had. As a self-preservation measure, her brain just shut down.
So how do you keep from cheating? When the emotions are strong, note them, and experience them, but don't react immediately. Respond instead. This means putting a gap between the stimulus (the arousing person or event) and your response (action). You can do this first of all by becoming aware. Self-awareness is the cornerstone of emotional intelligence. Without it, there can be no emotional intelligence.
You need to be able to observe yourself and recognize a feeling as it happens. Then handle it appropriately, realizing what's behind it and finding ways to manage fear, anger, anxieties and sadness. Then channel the emotions in service of a goal, using emotional self-control, stifling impulses and delaying gratification. Finally, you have to be able to do this about the other person or persons, being sensitive to their feelings and understanding their position, and, when necessary, managing the emotions of others using social competence.
Those impulses will always be lurking around. Cheating is an option, not a necessity. It's your ability to choose how you behave that gives you Personal Power, an EQ competency, and your freedom lies in that space between the stimulus and the response.
Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach
Now I've just got to watch that film, seems good.
girl "let's go see The Last Kiss"
me "oh hell no, I like you too much"