It's hard not being maudlin sometimes. Maybe it's the environment; when the only thing that guides your day-to-day life is your own willpower, it can be a rough, winding road.

Take tonight for instance. Tonight was a great night for work...until I heard the silence creep in. Sitting there, slowly making itself felt, it just found me. So of course it asks the usual questions:

"Are you happy doing this? Do you know how many people you alienate from your life? What is it that you want that you can't get while you're around others? Don't you wonder if you've been left alone for too long and just don't understand life and/or people?"

I had a friend a while back who told me, essentially, that I was so busy trying to write about people and understand them that I hadn't been able to see how far out of touch I was WITH life. It was something I didn't have a retort for; I still don't, to be honest.

I just...I wonder. I guess all of us do, sometimes. I wonder if I'm just too far away in myself to ever reach out to anyone. Or maybe, and this is another distinct possibility...I've just lived in the same place for too long.

I'll tell you why.

I've lived here...in Toronto...for almost my entire life. The amount of time I've spent away from this city would be about...I'd say 3 years, tops. 3. Out of 31.

There's not a single place that doesn't have a memory associated with it. Everything is old; everything has the scent of the past. It doesn't matter if it's a new building...it just means it's taken over an older space. I can trace every single memory around here. It's...almost sad. It is sad. The past weighs on me here, too heavily.

It's hard to break those ties. Hard to break those associations. Even harder though, is saying goodbye to good friends.

My friend Paul took off for Japan 4 years ago. My friend Karen took to BC. It wasn't goodbye, so much as, "see you later".

Maybe it's time for me to do the same thing...the question is, where do I want...

It's hard not being maudlin sometimes. Maybe it's the environment; when the only thing that guides your day-to-day life is your own willpower, it can be a rough, winding road.

Take tonight for instance. Tonight was a great night for work...until I heard the silence creep in. Sitting there, slowly making itself felt, it just found me. So of course it asks the usual questions:

"Are you happy doing this? Do you know how many people you alienate from your life? What is it that you want that you can't get while you're around others? Don't you wonder if you've been left alone for too long and just don't understand life and/or people?"

I had a friend a while back who told me, essentially, that I was so busy trying to write about people and understand them that I hadn't been able to see how far out of touch I was WITH life. It was something I didn't have a retort for; I still don't, to be honest.

I just...I wonder. I guess all of us do, sometimes. I wonder if I'm just too far away in myself to ever reach out to anyone. Or maybe, and this is another distinct possibility...I've just lived in the same place for too long.

I'll tell you why.

I've lived here...in Toronto...for almost my entire life. The amount of time I've spent away from this city would be about...I'd say 3 years, tops. 3. Out of 31.

There's not a single place that doesn't have a memory associated with it. Everything is old; everything has the scent of the past. It doesn't matter if it's a new building...it just means it's taken over an older space. I can trace every single memory around here. It's...almost sad. It is sad. The past weighs on me here, too heavily.

It's hard to break those ties. Hard to break those associations. Even harder though, is saying goodbye to good friends.

My friend Paul took off for Japan 4 years ago. My friend Karen took to BC. It wasn't goodbye, so much as, "see you later".

Maybe it's time for me to do the same thing...the question is, where do I want to start..?